My queerness

I am a cis gendered bisexual who has yet to have the opportunity to fully explore parts of my sexuality. 

Let me explain. 

I am a serial dater and a hopeless romantic and I have been in a relationship for as long as I can remember, with men. 

But here is the thing, since puberty my attraction to women has always been very real. As I grew up, those feelings of attraction and curiosity grew stronger and the more sexually active I became the more I was able to explore those desires. 

Sadly, I was always in spaces where there was very little opportunity to grow. These interactions would always be at a party or out of town but they were always after some level of intoxication.

Before I got into the relationship I am currently in, I tried to be more intentional about seeking out more queer women to talk to, to share space with, to date, all of it. I must have really subconsciously attracted that energy because all of a sudden more women were texting me, flirting with me and trying to get together. I had also changed my appearance around this time in such a way that it gave me a more androgynous vibe. So I guess that might have helped too. 

We have made a family now and have a whole thing going on but I always wonder what happens with that other unexplored side of me.

In this time though I also found that the queer space I found myself in was focused more on the hook up culture and as a person that very much prefers something more settled this didn’t really bring anything into fruition and in that time I found my current partner, we hit it off and got into a relationship.

We have made a family now and have a whole thing going on but I always wonder what happens with that other unexplored side of me. I don’t even think I even felt how real the need was until it seemed so far away. 

Curently though, I am always around my queer friends and have been granted the opportunity to challenge my understanding of our collective identities and mine personally.

Consequently, many questions have arisen in my mind. One of the questions is, what is my sexual orientation? 

I remember that one day I was at a party with some friends, a group of us were sitting in the garden and an acquaintance asked a blunt question: How do you see/label yourself? I was a little taken back by someone asking me in such a direct manner because it rarely happens but, nonetheless decided to be honest and say I AM BI. He didn’t seem surprised and that was comforting. 

This moment was important because before that moment, apart from some close friends, I have always been seen as an ally. 

I was also very vocal about queer issues on my socials and this led to several questions about my sexuality. At first I would not even bother responding but the more vocal I got the more my page grabbed people’s attention. This came with its own set of issues like, cyber abuse, threats, insults and verbal violence all around my page. 

Even among my queer friends, I was always labelled as an ally.

I was never with a female though so there was “no proof”. Even among my queer friends, I was always labelled as an ally. I, for more reasons than one, went with this label.

I recall another moment, months after I started a family, an old school mate of mine said something along the lines of “I am so happy God saved her, I was always so worried about her being gay but now we know she isn’t”. 

I wasn’t? 

I mean look at my privilege of being able to hide that, to be seen as an ally and thus to be granted safety and security. 

The thing with bisexuality is that both straight folks and queer folks for the most part view it as phase of just trying to figure it out. Some of the women I talked to, now upon seeing me in a heterosexual relationship consider it as something I entertained myself with before I went back into my real life.  

It’s always been an attraction and a couple of fun nights, so I started to ask myself, “Does that equate to being a bisexual?”

I think I was around 15 years old when I would find myself deep in a  Google search exploring the different facets of bisexuality. So again it felt so real to me.

To be honest, it didn’t really bother me because I think I didn’t have to face the same burden and I didn’t face the same level of  bigotry, a privilege in so many ways but at times it also felt so excluding. 

So as I find myself not claiming my identity and following this given identity of an ally, I wonder who gets to define my queerness. Why don’t I feel bold enough to say I am gay? 

Yes I am bi!!!  And although I find myself in a heterosexual relationship those feelings and desires are real and a part of me. So again yesss I am a bisexual!

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