Major fear … curiosity … so many mixed emotions. I kissed men before I ever kissed a woman. And it might just be the case that kissing a woman for the first time is the time that I realized that I had no attraction to men. The sensation of our fingertips caressing right before our lips meet perhaps needs its own extended description. The pounding of my heart so fast that it almost feels like it is ready to burst, my body so hot it is as if someone has set a literal fire on my body. A warm breath … lips trembling from a yet undetermined emotion, shyness or fear … like butter melting
That morning as I got dressed to leave my house, my usual overthinking and overly cautious self felt free and at ease. I knew where I was heading, and my whole being had said yes.
Excitement. Curiosity. Belonging. Why wasn’t I fearful? After all, I was kissing a woman for the first time. Novel yet not completely strange. Mind at peace, heart racing. Didn’t want to stop. There was no time to think and rationalize. I was in sync with my feelings and the desire of my heart. I was held. Seen. And I knew I’d be back for that kiss again and again.
She was spending the night and we were still in college so we were still lying about going out. I think the story was that she was spending the night so we could study together. We were both a little intoxicated. It started with soft touches that seemed accidental but were not. All I remember is my body getting hot. She had her back to me, she turned and we just instinctually kissed. As if this was something that we always did. It was soft kisses but the energy got more intense. We got more physical and went further than both of us had expected we would ever be able to go with another woman. She was one of my best friends and we were part of a whole crew. The next day she left early in the morning, she tried to leave without me noticing. I heard her but barely even looked over. She said “bye” and left, things felt so awkward. It took us a whole month of not looking in each other’s direction, not talking to each other directly, and generally not acknowledging each other’s presence. Until we all went out again and got a little tipsy, this time we talked about it, laughed and decided to put it behind us. It just became this thing we did.