This is the first of our new “Excerpts from a Dairy” series. We will publish excerpts of thoughts and reflections from emails, dairies and journals of people from the queer community. These excerpts could be complete entries or uncompleted and unstructured excerpts that show our personal thoughts and reflections about our lived experience.
We welcome submissions and they can be sent to email@example.com.
My ex was not on good terms with her family due to the rumors about our relationship. When she re-established a semblance of some relationship, my not appearing in her life was an unsaid precondition for continuing their relationship with her. The constant pressure from her family about a God who frowned upon her relationship with me, made her question her worth as a human being. The “choices” were: Her family of origin, her sense of peace with her God as defined by her family or me. She articulated her struggle to choose me. I did not want to be a struggle, I wanted to be her home, her refuge. I don’t know how she feels, it is too soon/too difficult to be friends right now. The last we talked she was in pain and she was angry at a family and at a God who “forced” her to choose to abandon the “love of her life”. Has God and family been worth her “sacrifice”? Has the “void” created by my absence in her life been worth her decision? Has she passed the [God] test? Only she can say.