This is our “Excerpts from a Dairy” series. We publish excerpts of thoughts and reflections from emails, dairies and journals of people from the queer community. These excerpts could be complete entries or uncompleted and unstructured excerpts that show our personal thoughts and reflections about our lived experience.
We welcome submissions and they can be sent to email@example.com.
Sometimes I wonder if my family knows. That perhaps, although they lack the language, that they know about me. My queer identity has affected my relationship with my family a little bit. Since I cannot be free, I spend a very limited amount of time with them.
Even more, I did not spend much time with my father. A few months after his death, I wrote a note in my diary.
“My dear father
… I’m sorry our relationship lacked a family or a father-daughter love. I don’t judge you! Maybe you had your own inner struggle. You do not know much about me, I am queer. I learned about my querness at a young age. Although I cannot openly express my feelings for another woman, I am living as my authentic self. How would you have felt? I do not want to think that you would have hated me if you knew me. I like to think that it would not have bothered you.
I love you”